


Ready

by karoffelbrei89



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode 12x09, M/M, Season/Series 12, Season/Series 12 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 13:41:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9493970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karoffelbrei89/pseuds/karoffelbrei89
Summary: „You think Cas is doing okay? “ Coda to 12x09.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This got way more cheesy than I had intended. Coda to 12x09. All the feelings. 
> 
> Leave some comments/kudos <3
> 
> Read it on [tumblr](http://nerdylittleshit.tumblr.com/post/156510070792/fandom-supernatural-pairing-deancas-words-1649)

„You think Cas is doing okay? “

 “Huh?”

Sam looks up to him, his cereal left half eaten in front of him. He looks like he didn’t get much sleep last night, and Dean can’t blame him. He thought once the exhaustion would kick in he would be gone. Instead he spent the night starring at his wall, the door to his room left open, to remind him he is no longer a prisoner. He found some sleep at dawn, only to be woken again by his mother, who decided to make them breakfast. She had left half an hour ago to get some stuff at the local grocery. Dean had been itched to go with her, to get some fresh air, to leave the darkness of the bunker. But he couldn’t bear the way she looked at him ever since they got back, (the way he almost lost her again), so he let her go alone instead.

“You know,” Dean says, “with what he said after… well, after.”

After he had killed Billie and broke their deal. Stupid he had called it. And maybe he was right about it. It was stupid. Stupid and desperate.

“He is going to be alright, Dean. He always is. Just needs some time.”

Dean nods, hoping his brother is right about this.

\---

He stays in his room for most part of the day, drifting in and out of sleep, before he decides to make a late dinner for his family. This way he is gonna be useful at least.

Most of what his mother bought are pre-cooked meals, so he takes the few vegetables they have left and makes them some soup. They eat in silence, with nobody knowing what to say, until Mary eventually starts talking about her last hunt, some vampires in Missouri.

Cas is sitting with them, although he doesn’t eat. Dean knows that technically he doesn’t need to, but lately he usually did, at least when it was Dean who prepared their meal. Now he doesn’t even look at Mary when she is talking. He doesn’t look at any of them, just stares at the table, and he is the first to get up and leave, once Mary stopped talking.

Dean looks after him. Mary shrugs. “He has been acting like this all day.”

“He just needs time,” Sam says.

“It’s been…” Mary looks uncertain, as if she’s not sure she has the right to tell them. “It’s been very hard for him without you here.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say.

\---

He finds Cas in his own room. Dean came up with the idea of setting up a room for Cas the last time they lost him, to Lucifer. It was something to keep him occupied, to let him hope Cas would return to him, to tell him that this was his home now. The room doesn’t look much different than Sam or Dean’s, with a bed, a table and a chair in it. Dean had filled it with books he thought Cas might be interested in, stuff from the Men of Letters library and books he had found in second hand bookstores. There was also an old TV station and a radio. He had hoped that with time Cas would make the room to his own.

Dean knocks, before he enters, but he doesn’t wait for Cas to answer. He finds him sitting on his bed, a book on his lap. It is not one of the books Dean got for him. Instead it must be one Cas found himself in the library; its thin pages are written in an old language Dean is sure only Cas can read.

“Hello Dean,” Cas says, not looking up from his book.

“Do you… uhm… do you got a minute? To talk?”

“Of course.”

He closes his book and indicates Dean to sit next to him.

“I just… I just wanted to make sure you are okay. With what you said last night. What you did.”

“I had no other choice.”

“I know this. And hell, I’m not complaining. It’s just… you scared me, man. For a moment there, you scared me.”

Cas doesn’t look at him.

“I’m fine, Dean.”

“No, you’re not.”

Cas sighs. In the half light of his room he looks older now, worn out. Dean remembers his brightness when they first met.

“When you were gone… I tried to make the world a better place. The way you and Sam do. I tried to hunt. But I couldn’t… the vampires Mary told you about. They were my case. I left the town with three more innocent people dead, instead of helping them, saving them. I couldn’t do what you do. I’m not… but it’s going to be better, now that you are back.”

Dean watches the way Cas’s hands fold and unfold. He does it every time he finds it difficult to talk.

“Cas this isn’t… you did the best you could. People always die. You think Sam and I save everyone? Because we don’t.  We lost so many. And it never gets easier. We make mistakes. Everyone does.”

“Your mother found their nest within a week.”

“Well, mum grew up a hunter since she was old enough to walk.”

Dean knows where this is going. He knows that Cas is going to beat up himself, that he blames himself for everything. He knows because it is the exact same thing Dean would do.

“Look Cas,” he starts, but he gets interrupt immediately.

“I left you alone in this place. In this horrible place and you were… you wanted to die. You almost did. We both know you never would have let Sam or your mother die for you. Never. So you just…”

“Cas, I’m sorry.”

“You were going to leave me.”

Dean looks up. He doesn’t… he’d never… Cas is the one. Cas is the one who always leaves. He almost says so. He doesn’t. He doesn’t want them to fight. He just wants them to be okay.

“I’m tired, Dean.” Cas looks up to him, his eyes very clear. “I’m tired of everything. Tired of myself, tired of you, tired of waiting. I know the truth. I know the way you feel about me, about us. I can sense your longing. Back then when you were gone, every time you thought of me. Even now I can feel it, when we are so close together. I can tell when you lie. I know when you are telling the truth. But you… you never say it. You were going to leave me behind, and you never said it.”

He pauses, waits for Dean to say something, anything. He doesn’t and Cas continues.

“Those last six weeks I felt like I am nothing. I don’t belong, Dean. Not in heaven. Not in this family. I’m no hunter. I’m not sure I am an angel anymore. I am somewhere, in between, but the only thing I’m sure about is you. Always you. But you never say anything. So, you’re back. You’re alive. And I still feel like nothing.”

Nothing. It hits Dean so hard he can barely breathe. He wants to take it away from Cas, wants to close the gap between them, tell him he belongs. He wants and wants and wants, and yet he remains the way he always does: silent.

“I’m sorry.”

It is nothing more than a whisper. But Cas gets it. He always gets it.

“I think it is better if you leave now.”

And so Dean does.

\---

Mary finds them a case the next day. They leave without Cas. It’s a salt and burn they manage so fast, they return two days later. And yet Dean can’t help but think about his own words. They all make mistakes. People always die. He could have died. On this hunt. On any hunt. It shouldn’t matter, but somehow it does. _You were going to leave me_. It echoes in his mind, makes him feel hollow. He doesn’t want to die, but he almost did. Leaving him behind.

Cas was right about it. About them. The silence between them. He remembers the place. That place that almost broke him, maybe even did, leaving him a bigger mess than before. He thinks about the hours there, how time had lost its meaning, along with everything else, trapped inside his own thoughts. He thought about him, about Cas. It had kept him sane.

He was the one supposed to die, no doubt about it. But he said midnight. To make it out of there. To maybe even see Cas again. One last time. To say goodbye. To leave him.

\---

“You are right.”

He didn’t knock, didn’t even wait before he opened the door to Cas’s room. The TV is on, and by the sound of it Cas watches some old Western. He lies on his bed, but he gets up the moment Dean enters his room.

They haven’t spoken to each other since the last time Dean was in this room. It’s only three days ago, but it seems like forever.

“You were right about everything. About me, not saying the things we both know are true. Because I was scared. Still am. Because it’s you. And I just… I never wanted to leave you. Not for one second. I’m sorry I almost did. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for everything, for… making you feel like… What I’m trying to say is, you belong. Here, in this place. With this people. Because we are your family. And you…”

He takes a deep breath.

“I love you. Always have. Always will.”

Cas is getting closer, his face a mess full of emotions. He has never been more beautiful.

He takes Dean’s head in his hands, slowly, surely bringing their faces together.

“I’m done waiting, Cas. I’m ready now. I’m ready.”

They both are.


End file.
